STRONG GIRL WALKING –Powerful Women (English Version)

“Spirit can make you beautiful. And also spirits. After three or four pints of beer, even my partners become passable looking.” (Sara Bini)

As I was writing in the previous post “Dead Girl Walking”, unless you have really deep emotional distortions or incurable love addictions, the experience of the womanizer won’t be either long nor recurrent. After all, it’s up to us to choose how we want to respond or react to this situation. If there’s a subtle, masochistic pleasure in playing the ‘trophy’ role, the seduced and abandoned one, the experience may happen again until that kind of energy is totally burned out.

On the other hand, there’s another consideration to do: if a woman has a solid inner structure, she is likely to face not only some grubby and shabby playboys, but also other male (but also female) figure trying to humiliate or belittle her. A strong woman may evoke, by resonance, some kind of competition with man’s hunger for power. Let’s take an example: a person is offered a position of power (CEO of a business, leader of a party and so on..) but he/she is weak inside. Thus he/she won’t probably be able to handle that role and she/he will delegate most of his/her functions or she/he will run away from that position or she/he will lose it. 

In the same way a men, even despite himself, can feel much attraction for a powerful woman - and I’m talking more about inner that outer power. The problem arises if he is not as equally powerful, then he might attempt to fly away from the relationship or he could try to downgrade his partner, bringing her to his level where is much more experienced and at ease. 

Power is commonly characterized by negative associations , especially if referred to women. Love, understanding, dedication , self-sacrifice and sometimes even compliance are the qualities which are usually asked of them. But there’s no real love without power, without that vivifying force that gives intensity and meaning to every gesture, every word, every kiss or caress. Basically, the partner we choose and we keep by our side ‘speaks’ of us: he somehow and somewhat reflect ourselves. I state and share this vision even if, at least up to now, it doesn’t exactly give evidence in my favor!

Ph. Dany Summo

To have a Counseling Session, also online please contact me at binisara@gmail.com or through the site www.sarabini.com

DEAD GIRL WALKING (English Version)

“It’s amazing how X is able to surround himself with people who are much better than him….Well, actually they are around seven billions.” (Sara Bini)

Dead Girl Walking is a label created by my dear friend Chiara, she’s simply genius. Who is the Dead Girl Walking? Just to start with, I’ve also gone through this experience, once. 

It’s the woman who, inadvertently, begins to date with one of the most notorious womanizer in the area, thinking he’s a men averagely reliable. She’s totally unaware of his reputation and, in good faith, she expects a more or less standard evolution of the romance. At the very beginning, these expectations are met. In fact, she may notice a lot of enthusiasm from her partner, he’s acting and full of attentions - well, the typical kind of attitudes  that should characterize the debut of a romantic relationship. 

However, if she is smart enough, she begins to notice something strange in his friends’ eyes, as soon as she is introduced to them. They look sad, or at least they show some kind of sadness and embarrassment towards her. The worry about her because the already ‘know’. They know that it’s useless to become attached to her because their friend, who is both a Don Giovanni and an emotional disabled, will replace her within few days.

Consequently, for them, she’s already a living dead. The atmosphere is heavy, in the circle of friends the conspiracy of silence reigns supreme. The most optimists in the group hope that ‘she could be the big one, finally” (whereas she’s the 116th one). Best case, the Dead Girl Walking will even last for some years, in a long agony of lies, betrayals, self-deceptions. He ’s embarrassed and not totally at ease as well, since he must constantly ask his friend to play along with him and conceal his escapades. Sooner or later the moment arrives when the poor woman realizes to be a walking zombie and either she vanishes intentionally from the scene or he makes her disappear and dumps her without any explanations. Again, if she’s smart enough,  you may find her in some pub with a bottle of champagne, laughing and celebrating her liberation.

My experience in this respect is that I’ve always regretted my partner’s friends more than him. It is usually a big relief and a big release to finally get the truth of facts. If we don’t have excessive unmet emotional needs or addiction to misery, I can assure you won’t have a long career as Dead Girls Walking. In principle, one or two similar experiences are sufficient to learn identify, if not the womanizer on the way, at least the revealing look of his friends!

Ph. Chiara Benelli e Diana Jaramillo

To have a Counseling Session, also online please contact me at binisara@gmail.com or through the site www.sarabini.com

COUPLE OR TROUBLE 3?-Working on hypothesis

If I’m born again, I’ll give up. (I.Della Mea)

One might ask how we can move from the old couple setting to this new ideal, provided that we want to make this mental/emotional shift.The first step might be to try and embody such an idea in ourselves. What often keeps us away from this possibility is a fair share of laziness and resistance to change, plus the classic feeling of pride which makes us think “I’m ok exactly as I am because my mother told me so”. It’s always someone else who is supposed to change, at least a little bit. We need a lot of courage, humbleness and compassion to contact our aching dark sides, the ones who prevent us from establishing harmonious relationships.

When we develop some degree of authenticity and consistency, these qualities naturally manifest in our lives and get reflected in our interactions. If the current partner is not ready to change, some temporary disruptions might break the old, standard balance of the couple. These instabilities could lead either to the breakup of the relationship or to its renewal and empowerment. The last case happens when both partners decide to grow together and question their belief systems without becoming too defensive and resentful.

I think that the two types of couple, the old and the new style, are both coexistent within every relationship, by a percentage which is proportionate to the partners’ degree of awareness. The new modality of being together will increase in so far as we begin to open our heart to the other and to contact the wiser and truer part of us. A lot of people are already doing this, intuitively.

I’m aware that it’s not always easy and I experience this difficulty for myself, in my own life. I know how much it may cost us to go to our partner and say “Listen, this misunderstanding between us really hurts me, how can we work it out together? Could you help me?” Or “I’m sorry, I did you wrong. How can I make up for it? I love you”. I know it may be hard, but it may be worth it. After all…what have got we to lose? The ridiculous fanfare of the coolest guy in town or the pathetical blues of the seduced and abandoned damsel? Please, enough with it!

Ph. Chiara Benelli

To have a Counseling Session, also online please contact me at binisara@gmail.com or through the site www.sarabini.com

COUPLE OR TROUBLE 2?- Towards a new paradigm

Tell me who you are going with and I’ll tell you if I’m coming with you. (M.Marchesi)

I don’t obviously identify myself with the old couple pattern and many of us are beginning to perceive its limitations. However, even if we feel the inadequacy of the old style, we could be still unable to visualize the new one, because something new must be firstly welcomed in ourselves. So most people try alternative kinds of relationship. Some may want to maintain the sexual aspect of the intercourse bypassing the care/responsibility element; others may try to break all the old clichés and explore the possibility of multiple liaisons or other social taboos.This is an age of uncertainty and consequent experimentation on all levels of life.

The type of couple that is likely to happen with the next generations - though we can find some pioneers even now - might meet other criteria than the current ones, not necessarily better or worse. Those criteria will simply mirror the new kind of human being who is slowly coming into manifestation: the man and the woman who will consciously and actively work to express the best of their potential. I’m not talking about a generation of very damaged and wounded people trying to mutually compensate their shortcomings but about a generation of pretty balanced people who will chose a partner according to such affinities that are not reducible to mere material or emotional concerns.

This kind of couple can cope with the fear of a possible ‘loss’ and they don’t care too much about it because every partner is emotionally self-sufficient. This is why this couple is open to the world: the partners don’t limit their experiences in order to keep the relationship ‘safe’. Conversely, they help and serve each other on the evolutionary path. At the same time they are loyal to their bond and they feel a sense of belonging to each other which is totally different from possession or control. These kind of partners hardly get bored as their relationship flexible structure facilitate renewal and transformation.

Ph. Chiara Benelli & Leon

To have a Counseling Session, also online please contact me at binisara@gmail.com or through the site www.sarabini.com

COUPLE OR TROUBLE 1? - Trouble!

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (R.Dangerfield)

The panorama about the modern couple is diverse, varied and sometimes also desolate. As an Italian writer, Salvatore Brizzi,  states in his books, the concept of couple is now lingering in transitional doorway where the old models are collapsing and yet we aren't ready for the new ones. If we take a look around us, we can easily see apparently indestructible relationships falling apart, while a huge proliferation of hybrid relational bonds like ‘friends with benefits’ are more and more taking place. Most of the times, these neither fish nor fowl relationships conceal our fear of commitment or an extreme slavery to our testicles and ovaries.

The old model of couple, anyway, still works for people who have the needs and the mental setting of our parents and grandparents. Consequently, the partner is chosen because of his/her physical appearance, financial comfort or intellectual virtues. Once it is formed, that kind of couple usually isolate itself from the world . Alternatively, they may go out only with coupled friends, since every external element can potentially turn into a threat to such relationship. Another possibility is that the partner ‘up’ decides the couple ‘contractual’ conditions and what one is allowed or forbidden to do.

This old-minded couple is based on the compelling need of a partner, it develops on illusions and it often ends up to be a total bore. It might live on power games and subtle manipulations where both partners collude at some level, even if they keep on complaining “She’s too jealous” “He’s aggressive” “She/he doesn’t leave me enough freedom” “She/he constantly leaves me alone” and so on. Their dark sides are perfectly at ease in such situations and they can take nourishment from all kinds of the couple interpersonal dynamics: sexual energy, ego self-gratification, needs of attention, control and approval.

Ph. Chiara Benelli

To have a Counseling Session, also online please contact me at binisara@gmail.com or through the site www.sarabini.com

IL VERO CAMBIAMENTO - (Tranquilli, non è un manifesto politico)

“Fallimento? Non esiste nessun fallimento, solo precoci tentativi di successo. - Failure? There's no such thing as failure, only early attempts at success.” (dal film 'The Guru of Love')

Se la relazione del ‘Lui dovrebbe cambiare’ è con il mondo, inutile dirlo,  è una battaglia persa in partenza. L’amministrazione comunale, il governo e il mondo cambieranno realmente quando saranno i cittadini a cambiare realmente -  nei loro pensieri, nelle loro emozioni, nelle loro azioni.

Se la relazione è invece con un altro essere umano abbiamo due possibilità: o lo accettiamo o lo salutiamo. In genere scegliamo l’opzione ‘accanimento terapeutico’ sforzandoci allo sfinimento di indirizzare e manipolare l’altro per adeguarlo ai nostri bisogni - con il risultato che finiamo stanchi o ammalati, spesso con il diabete, nel migliore dei casi in psicoterapia.

Quando la relazione è poi tale che non è possibile salutarsi fisicamente, ecco che si apre davvero la sfida dello ‘spazio interiore’, ossia di creare in noi un luogo di accettazione e di ascolto genuino per il figlio, il genitore o il partner così come è.

C’è infine un’altra possibilità, poco contemplata a dire il vero, perché è la più scomoda, umile e faticosa: iniziamo a ‘cambiare’, ‘lavorare’, ‘evolverci’ noi stessi, per primi. Se lo facciamo con il sincero movente di trasformarci ( e non solo per avere più soldi, sesso e rock’n’roll) e se proviamo gioia nell’occuparci di noi con costanza e amore, ecco che possono manifestarsi due miracoli:

1. Non mi resta il tempo di rompere le balle al prossimo, né di farmi troppo gli affaracci suoi
2. Il prossimo potrebbe essere magnetizzato e ispirato dal mio esempio più che dai miei predicozzi e forse, a suo tempo e comodo,  impegnarsi davvero in un percorso di crescita o di cambiamento interiore.

Ph. Dany Summo, make up Vale

Per prenotare un trattamento olistico o un colloquio  di Counseling contattatemi attraverso il mio sito  Le Vie per l'Armonia.

LUI/LEI DOVREBBE CAMBIARE - (Evolversi, lasciarsi andare, prendersi cura di sé etc…)

“Se non si è raggiunto il Punto di Vista di Dio, sarebbe opportuno evitare di assumerne il ruolo.” (Sara Bini)

Amo scrivere post impopolari perché le folle non hanno mai fatto per me e la mentalità da soap-opera mi ha un po’ stufata, avendola sperimentata per diversi anni in prima persona. 

Il pensiero ‘Lui/lei dovrebbe cambiare’, infarcito ovviamente delle migliori intenzioni, è applicabile a partner, genitori, figli, colleghi, amici, cani, gatti, criceti, amministrazione comunale, governo - in una parola, è il tormentone che sottende a  buona parte della nostra emotività e conseguente azione su questo splendido pianeta. Si declina dalle forme più grossolane a quelle più evolute, oserei quasi dire ‘New Age’ , del tipo ‘Lui/lei dovrebbe lavorare su di sé, dovrebbe risolvere i suoi blocchi energetici, dovrebbe aprirsi alla Vita, dovrebbe mettersi in gioco…Lo dico per il suo bene”. Essendo stato uno dei miei pensieri preferiti, ho usato -e talvolta uso ancora- tutte le sue meravigliose varianti unite alle più auliche coperture altruistiche, amorevoli e soprattutto ‘disinteressate’. 

Ma facciamo un esame spietato di questa forma-pensiero così fortunata e popolare. In primo luogo, tale idea evidenzia una certa arroganza: chi sono io per sapere al 100% quale sia realmente il bene per un’altra persona? E se il ‘bene’ del mio compagno, genitore, figlio dovesse effettivamente passare per qualcosa che ai miei occhi e agli occhi della morale comune viene etichettato come ‘male’? 

Seconda considerazione: quando io facevo le mie notorie cavolate e mi beccavo delle discrete sportellate nei denti, non è che amassi particolarmente le interferenze altrui. Sarebbe potuto apparire Gesù Cristo in persona e dirmi ‘Ciccia, non si fa così’ e io probabilmente avrei risposto ‘Lo so, ma per ora, per me, È così.” Ergo, l’altro ha tutto il diritto di fare (o non fare) il suo percorso con i suoi modi e i suoi tempi senza che noi lo guardiamo con il cronometro in mano.

Terzo punto da osservare: se davvero per me è così importante che un’altra persona cambi, migliori o si evolva, ciò rappresenta un MIO bisogno ed evidentemente non il suo. Sono io che spero di guadagnare qualcosa dal suo cambiamento, anche solo in termini di coscienza tranquilla o minore ansia. Di conseguenza, la mentalità sentimentalistica da soap-opera o evoluzionistica new-age si rivela nuovamente un paravento per le mie esigenze e i miei bisogni. 

Ph. Dany Summo, make up Vale

Per prenotare un trattamento olistico o un colloquio  di Counseling contattatemi attraverso il mio sito  Le Vie per l'Armonia.